What Led us to Van Life Homeschool

If something doesn’t feel good, there is a reason; this post is about what led us to step it up a notch, and van life homeschool. Thank you, malignant Waldorf School, Siskiyou School bubble, in the Rogue Valley, for teaching us these lessons. After this, we will start using our inner compass. Walked away from those who disorient us, from those who make our inner compasses scramble, those who make us forget who we are, and forget our light within.

As 2020 opened, we pulled our children from a not normal elementary school culture in Ashland, Oregon, where we moved to, primarily, have our children attend this particular Waldorf school. Much to our surprise, we entered the wolves’ den. It’s hard to remember truths when you are so hurt, but, I will hold onto the idiom, “what hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” – Rumi. At the same time, you can’t stay in darkness. So onto van life homeschool adventures.

Why Van Life Homeschool

Let me explain the backstory as to how ‘van school’ was imagined into reality. It’s a situation many parents find themselves in. Our younger daughter stopped singing and dancing, a huge red flag. Phalen, who sings and dances at every turn, grew silent, and started acting out in big anger (which is really always big sadness).

I didn’t notice it right away, as days turn to nights, weeks can turn into years. But as soon as I realized it, I knew she was losing something vital to her very being. A piece of her soul was fleeing. I knew how that felt. For a piece of your soul to think the world isn’t safe enough to stay with you.

Then it hit us, the mental and emotional gang bullying at the new Waldorf school. Could subtle demeaning looks and mean words add up to noticeable mental trauma? Hell yes. Ask anyone raised in a narcissistic household as a child. Before this defining moment, for months we did the ‘right’ thing as parents. We told her how to respond to bullies (or not respond) over and over.

Some Things Aren’t Worth Repairing

A toxic school environment is not worth repairing, because it can’t be repaired. Now the van, always. So next step at this toxic school was to tell our daughter to tell a teacher. Didn’t work. Finally, we tried to talk to the teacher. (This was after months of tip-toeing around to not offend the school administration). That should have been another red flag. How did I miss this? After just two talks with the teacher, no further talks were allowed.

We had to trust that our daughter was indeed going to be bullied but “it would work itself out in a few years” according to the school. (Mind you, this is not like a regular school. They stay in the same classroom with the same dynamic and the same teacher for years). No fresh start for the kids being preyed on.

Some Things Are Meant to Stay Broken

We kept hoping things would get better. Nothing got better. How many parents can say this same story? So we did all those things a responsible adult should do. And in the midst of all this, Phalen was losing a vital essence of her being.

We finally acted and pulled our daughters from The Siskiyou School, the picture perfect Waldorf nestled in the Rogue Valley. It had all the trappings of a seductive Waldorf: pastel-walls, nature tables, soft watercolor paintings. Yet, “all that glitters is not gold.” Derived from “all that glisters is not gold” – William Shakespeare.

A New Dawn Rising

It was a new dawn rising, after we cut ties. Phalen started to dance and sing again. It was so obvious, noticeable, and took only days, and was such validation that we did the right thing. She stopped acting out ‘big’, just back to the normal frustrations of a 7-year old life. She was no longer ‘beside herself,’ in moments where I felt helpless to understand what was happening.

The truth is she had been under great emotional stress. I was shocked, and relieved beyond words, by how quickly it reversed after leaving the toxic Waldorf. It was as if her soul piece, the part that expressed joy in being, knew it was safe to return and came right back. Once Phalen’s toxic experience was validated, and the virus was eliminated, her soul loss reversed. Within just days of standing up and saying no more to this promised ‘magical’ school.

Soul Loss is Rampant in our Society

Environments that aren’t emotionally safe cause soul loss. So many adults are walking this earth with pieces of their souls missing. After this experience, I believe it is easier for children’s soul pieces to return quickly once the traumatic experience has ended. I guess it depends on the extent, and the person. But it’s real, and serious. “Soul loss is similar to what psychology refers to as “dissociation” – Kim Saeed.

The Siskiyou School, like many Waldorfs, create a culture of tolerated group narcissistic abuse. I believe we are beginning to reveal in this world, what the darkness of narcissism really is, and how it is no longer acceptable. But first, we need to dig into this evil that causes soul loss, read more here.

To learn more about soul loss (called dissociation in psychology), I highly recommend you read some of my favorite explanations here: soul loss. If you or a loved one has experienced soul loss (you know when you do) and wants to heal and become whole, here is a great explanation on soul retrieval.

Bringing Our Souls Back Home

Soul pieces can come back into ones being if they feel safe to return. I pray this is what I have done for Phalen. “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” – Peter Levine. If I have been a witness for her, then it can heal and not be held inside. It can be released, and the sun can rise again.

When I said Phalen was acting out ‘big’ in a way we hadn’t seen, another way I could have put it was that she was ‘beside herself.’ “Why do we describe a distraught person as being beside (herself) or himself? Because the ancients believed that the soul and body could part, and that under great emotional stress the soul would actually leave the body. When this happened a person was “beside himself” – Dictionary of Word Origins, from this article.

Trust Your Intuition

I should have seen the red flags earlier and trusted my intuition. Why do we dismiss our intuition so often when it is a protective sense? We want to be good social creatures. This is what the narcissist is banking on, that you will not listen to your intuition.

People that only talk to you, instead of with you, or people that try to convince you that your perception is wrong by correcting your feelings. Or making you doubt your feelings about an event. Someone who asks you to trust them unconditionally when feel like the relationship is so questionable you don’t think you should. All of these things are a great set up for unequal power relations. To become preyed on and to have your inner compass shattered.

In the end I followed my intuition, as the warning bells were sounding too loud, despite that change would be hard as we had just moved to an entirely new state and had started a new life. After 5 states, 7 cities, 6 schools, 10 homes … now more change. But it didn’t matter, I just had to get our child back. My intuition told me something was very wrong. Phalen is only 7 years old, and now is not the time for her to battle emotional vampires.

Van Life Homeschool Heals Everything

Out of all this, the idea of ‘van school’ was born. We spend so much time in our van, that we even created a double bunk system so we could have 1 full and 2 twin beds in a 22′ van. Plus the kitchen and school room. It took me a month to process what all went down. I always self-reflect and want to make sure my perception is clear. Self-reflection is vital, it means you aren’t so arrogant as to think you are always right. I am a discerning truth-seeker.

Still I felt lost and alone. I know … most people say, just don’t let people get to you. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt. It’s not so cut and dry, and not so easy for empaths. Not all humans are born with a shield of stone. Some of us have a really hard time putting up a shield, especially children, and it’s painful to be forced to. Satya, our oldest, is a natural in navigating this world, she has a natural energetic shield.

Dealing with Waldorf Narcissism

The Waldorf group dynamic is true collective narcissism, and not the place for an empathic child. It seems empathic children get preyed upon much more by bullies, read here. Yes, “hurt people hurt people.” Possibly also though, in the case of Waldorf, parents model for their children that they are superior and have a right to hurt people. Many parents go through how to deal with a bully as a parental rite of passage, but what they are really going through is dealing with a bully parent who has created a prodigy.

I’m Just Going to Say It – Waldorf is Toxic

Let’s talk why Waldorf. Waldorf schools empower those within them to think they are different, and sometimes better, than others. That is righteousness. They falsely empower judgments that those who attend are more spiritually awake than the broader population; this is spiritual materialism.

I do suppose that the head of the Waldorf movement himself, Rudolph Steiner, was himself a spiritual narcissist. He did start his own religion after all, with himself as the revered guru. Such a red flag. If someone creates something, their energy flows into all that comes after. There are too many rotten apple schools in the Waldorf school movement that the whole thing needs to be questioned.

Elaborated here, “beware of false prophets. Ye shall know them by their fruits. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.” (Matthew 7, 16-18) You can read about the real history of Steiner’s Waldorf movement here. And here. You can always dig into Waldorf Watch, too. (I don’t wholly agree with some critique on Waldorf Watch).

Waldorf holds an essence different from other schools. Pastels, watercolor, nature, softness. It portrays its environment as saturated with compassion and soul. But appearances can be deceiving. Like many Waldorfs, at the Siskiyou School, the power behind the scenes is very narcissistic and controlling. So of course what exists there is not a genuine form of compassion and soul, it is an illusion.

Why is Waldorf Toxic?

After lying awake at night analyzing how things were the way they were, I came to the conclusion that it is learned behavior, conditioning. Whether it is their home life, or the culture of the the Siskiyou School, or both, who knows. I don’t care to stick around to find out. What is certain, is that small children that learn to disempower and ‘make small’ other children to the extent we witnessed there is jaw dropping. It breaks my heart over and over to remember how much genuine kindness, and hope both our girls brought there.

So what is this pride, that causes The Siskiyou School to look away and think it is perfect despite many, many families having terrible experiences there? We were given a clear message: communication is not allowed in this so-called community. Toxic pride sure does a number on people. “Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune” – Carl Jung.

Waldorf is a narcissistic cult, and the Siskiyou School is a great example of toxic pride, gaslighting, and and stone-walling. Our life lesson is that control, lack of empathy, and righteousness are just as rampant in the “love and light” cult as they are in any other religious cult. A Waldorf is typically full of spiritual materialism, and in its most extreme form, spiritual narcissism. Read more about the trap of spiritual materialism here.

No Room for Empathy in a Narcissistic Container

Read this great article here, about how long-term neglect can lead children to lack empathy. “How … can a child grow up knowing how to provide empathy and nurturing if they were never taught? If children are loved and treated well, they don’t grow up wanting to hurt others; they grow up wanting to help and respect others, and with the ability to provide empathy.”

We were told as a bizarre excuse that the teacher creates such a strong ‘container’ that if another child enters it, it can take a very long time to become part of the container. Just going to say again, not normal. I have been on meditation retreats where ‘containers’ are created. If a new meditation member joined, they would be welcomed in as a fellow meditator. That is a healthy container.

In Waldorf, it is a toxic container. It is a container of righteousness lacking empathy. For a new child to enter the ‘container’ and be subject to exclusion, meanness, judgment, rejection, identity invalidation, and so on, shows the true ethos of Waldorf ethos.

Change Your Mind to Change Your Path

On a profound teaching level, Buddha is quoted saying “since everything is a reflection of our minds … everything can be changed by our minds” – Buddha. A deeper understanding of this does not mean that if someone is cruel to you, you can change the outside reality by making them be kind. It’s not possible with your ‘mind power’ to change another person’s behavior.

The only way is to change your own mind, to believe you are worthy of being able to let your light shine, and knowing when you are being pulled into darkness. Then, you change your mind to be treated well, and go seek those that treat you well. “Ignore those that make you fearful and sad, that degrade you back towards disease and death” – Rumi. Change your mind to change your path.

Know who belongs on your path with you. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” – Maya Angelou. We are all worth far more than to stay in a place that shatters our inner compass. Our to become melded into a toxic groupthink. We are not always as immune as we imagine. It is clear to see, as this article states, that “when it comes to relationships, we are greatly influenced — whether we like it or not — by those closest to us.”

Van Life Homeschool is a Pretty Rad School

The litmus test to if you made the right choice is if you leave something and don’t miss it at all. Now in retrospect, it is insane that we didn’t say “see ya” so much sooner to that narcissistic school and town. And can I say we will always look back at van life homeschool, with the open road, adventures and choice to become greater than we are, with sentimental memories.

“Edit your life frequently and ruthlessly. It’s your masterpiece after all” – Nathan W. Morris. The girls have attended multiple elementary schools, public and private in several states. All schools have classrooms filled with many different children, each one unique. There is overall a feeling of healthy social influence. “We’re in this together” vibe. Our van school will always have this.

Nomad Van Life Homeschool isn’t Always Easy

“I know you’re tired but come, this is the way.” – Rumi. The scapegoats that are the ones that break free and go beyond the horizon. Not getting trapped in the valley, but climbing the highest peak. Don’t get stuck in the bad play of Ashland, Oregon. After all, “all the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” – William Shakespeare. So what next? So we break free of the toxic small town bubble with a bad story, and create something new.

“The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page” – St. Augustine. I will endlessly encourage my children to define themselves not based on being from a certain place – or what school they attend – or what house they live in – but to define themselves based on the their heart, their inner compass. Phalen was as a 3-year old and still is today “the first child to get the healing basket for an injured classmate.” Satya is the helping friend who stands up for friends being bullied. That’s how we roll.

Van Life Homeschool is a Great Life School

There are always great lessons in travel, for instance a day at Half Moon Bay State Beach is a science lesson on rip currents, and a day up on Mount Ashland is a science lesson about snow types and avalanches. We throw fundamentals in, add lots of books, and discuss curious questions as they pop up. There you have a great life school. Inspiration is all around us, and there are tons of opportunities for learning at every place we explore.

The Soul of the World

I believe we are all natural seekers, and we all want to belong to something. And every one of us belongs, our birthright is belonging to this earth, especially to every place where the wild and free is. We are all in the soul of this world. The myth of the soul of the world is deep. Sophia, the world’s soul, was recognized by Jung, as written here. We can find our inner compass, and be held in nature, where Sophia’s reflection is everywhere, in its purest form.

The soul of this world is feminine wisdom, personified by a mother’s love. I will always teach my children to question, and not accept, human evil, and that Nature heals, accepts, and holds when you are lost. And part of being lost is to conquer inevitable hard lessons as we move toward our dreams.

“Before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons that we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon’” – Paulo Coelho.

When we stand to watch the sunset from pretty much anywhere, well, everything feels like it is as it should be.

Van Life Homeschool Follows An Inner Compass

–J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring